30 Years Together!

It seemed Charles found fault with me daily. I wondered often how I had managed to survive 50 years and beyond with my inability to do anything correctly. I knew in my heart I was not the wretched person my parents and subsequently my husband deemed me to be.

Nonetheless it was challenging at times to know what reality was or merely “their truth” My 29 years of counseling had enabled me to understand that I was not as flawed as I had been portrayed. However, my self-esteem was non-existent. I knew God had granted me with talents and abilities, but none which either my parents and now my husband or children believed I possessed.

Charles’ 29 years of instilling in me and our children that I was beneath him had taken a hold as authenticity. Why did I remain in this abuse? It would be years later that the regrets of my actions to remain would have a tight grasp on my life. Did I have missteps and make mistakes along the way? I most certainly did. I know I said/did things often which were not as Charles or others desired. However, I was eager and willing to offer a rapid and sincere apology and assurance not to repeat my actions.

Charles attended counseling sessions with me less than 2 dozen times in our entire marriage. He vowed he had no desire to spend his time and money with someone whom was telling him he was wrong. His sincere belief was that he had never said and/or done anything wrong, so there was no need to receive counseling.

The counselors frequently reminded me it was not marriage counseling when Charles refused to attend. Nonetheless I realized that if I remained in counseling, it would provide the tools to better cope with life’s situations. When my countless pleas for Charles to share his life’s interests with me failed, I realized I must seize each occasion for joy and peace in my life.

In addition to purchasing a harp and learning a new skill, I was also a PhD student at Oklahoma State University. When the opportunity arose for me to be an adjunct instructor at Oklahoma City University, I realized I would also be able to begin a long-awaited goal; to earn my doctorate and teach full-time. Without it I would never be permitted to be more than an adjunct instructor.

I also continued with my love of singing and vocal music, being a member of a large faith-based women’s choir. Additionally, I sang with the local community choir. Such opportunities provided me with not only increasing my knowledge and competencies, but also opened doors for new experiences. From the time I was a child, I believed God provided such times in our lives to enable us to grow as individuals.

March 1999 was one of the most memorable times of our entire marriage. On our 30th wedding anniversary, Charles took me out for not only a lovely gourmet dinner, but presented me the gift of a lifetime; an anniversary trip to England, which he had planned. For that evening and the next few days which followed, Charles was an entirely different husband; kind, loving and caring. Perhaps our marriage truly could turn around and we could begin to perceive what God intended as man and wife; to love one another.

Because it was tax season, our anniversary trip would be delayed until the summer, but the wait was worth every day and minute of anticipation. England was all and more than each of us had expected. We spent one week in London and the second week in the Cotswolds. I didn’t wish to come home. I could have remained there forever.

Our time there was filled with compassion and courtesy for one another, perhaps because we were experiencing new adventures. However, I wanted so earnestly to believe it was because Charles might truly love me. I knew the great love I had for him and I wanted only to grasp tightly these two weeks of benevolence for one another and never let it go.

Over time the contentment of the previous few months waned, and the conflicts returned to our marriage. We were still enjoying our infrequent times with our family and young grandson. The holidays also brought me a special joy when I could decorate our home, plan and prepare baking and meals for the family and holiday guests.

Charles and I each stayed busy with our careers, but it seemed his ability to become upset with me was as close as the lashes on my eyes. It had become a fearful way of living. As the discord increased, I queried Charles if we should part ways. I told him numerous times during our marriage that I knew for certain we were each very good people, but not good for one another. His threats never changed, “I will not give you a divorce. If you try to divorce me, I will make you pay and you will live to regret it.” I understood his words were sincere, but also as strong and fervent as his anger toward me.

Please continue to follow my autobiographical journey, which I began blogging in April 2016. It’s the emotional and physical pain and abuse of my life, but also of God’s healing.

What Is This?

As I came home from work one day, a dilapidated box void of gift wrapping or bag, was lying on the kitchen counter. It contained a pepper mill inscribed with the name of the resort where Charles had attended a business meeting he had just returned home from. Due to the condition of the package, I assumed it had been a gift to the attendees of the meeting and Charles had rapidly torn open the box, obliterating some of the box in the process.

When Charles walked into the kitchen, I asked if the mill had been gifted to him. As was his customary tone, in a loud and sarcastic voice he cited, “no, it is a gift for you. I bought it.” I sincerely thanked him and extended my appreciation. Not desiring to upset him further, I wondered why a gift would be presented in such a manner. The box had been ripped with a portion of the box removed. I had never delivered a gift to anyone in such a haphazard and slovenly manner, as I believed it would negate the message of concern for the recipient.

If I wanted to let another know I thought enough of them to purchase a gift, I offered it with the appearance of stating, “I care about you.” Over the years I have reflected on Charles’ attitude and manner in bestowing this gift and often wondered if there was a convert message to me, “here is a token gift, but you are not worthy of receiving it with care.” Additionally, why the extremely unkind manner in telling me it was a gift?

January 1998 began with a bundle of delight; our 1st grandchild; a grandson was born January 14, 1998. This would have to be a wonderful year when there was a new baby in the family. I also turned 50 and realized that skills I desired to learn would need to be sooner than later. One of these was learning to play the harp.

I flew to a harp store in Chicago to try out different harps. I then obtained a harp teacher and I was ready to begin. When Charles asked me what I desired as a gift for my 50th birthday, I noted, I would love to have a harp. “No way”, he cited. “ A harp can’t be worn or seen by others. I want you to have a piece of jewelry.” He wanted to purchase the bracelet he had promised me 5 years earlier, but never fulfilled. Why now over 5 years later? Also, why would this birthday gift be what he desired for me, instead of what I desired?

I had saved money for several years to purchase a harp, but how I would have loved to receive it from my husband. For many years which followed, other adult, women, harp students would share about their husbands purchasing their harps. They were not only as gifts of love, but also as gifts of support toward their wives. My heart was always gripped with envy.

Charles’ gifts to me frequently had an ulterior motive; so that persons would see his success. He selected a bracelet and I was to be content with it. No, it was never my choice, but his. I wore the bracelet only a couple of times for it symbolized to me his continual control of my heart and life.

As the months passed and life remained status quo, there were the occasional business trips which were extended to pleasure trips. For a few days we might enjoy our time together, but occasionally even the trips were fraught with arguments and unkind words. Could there never be a time in our lives when we could have even a few weeks of joy with one another?

As had happened several years prior while residing in FL again there was what should have been an inconsequential incident, but Charles opted to make it a great conflict. Because we had a two-story house and due to medical issues with my knees, it was customary that I would place items on the steps to be taken upstairs during one of my second story trips.

One night Charles deliberately chose not to turn on the lights as he was descending the stairs and he stepped on a ceramic soap dish for the guest bath, breaking it and missing a step as he did. As he had done in FL, he screeched out in anger as to why I had been stupid enough to place a dish on the stairs? He knew placing items on the stairs was customary. Why had he chosen not to turn on the lights so he could see if there was something on the stairs?

As was routine with Charles, he deemed his actions totally my fault. I queried him often if he spent his days thinking up ways to make false accusations against me? Of course this prompted only a greater anger from him. However, I wondered frequently why he never accepted blame for any of his errors? I felt I spent more time in our marriage apologizing to him for things I had said/done than I did for praising him.

Please continue to follow me on my autobiographical journey, which I began blogging in April 2016. It’s my life filled with the emotional and physical pain of abuse and betrayal, but also of God’s blessings and healing.

Our Family Is Growing

By the end of 1996, our lives were settling into a routine back in Edmond, OK, the town we initially moved to twenty years prior. We had the impending December wedding of our son and soon to be “daughter”. After less than 2 months of being unemployed, Charles had been offered a new career position as the Tax Director for Deloitte Touche in Oklahoma City. I had begun my own dietetic consulting practice while still doing adjunct teaching for a couple of the local universities.

I was optimistic once again that “perhaps” Charles would come to love me. He had what he desired now; a prestigious career. I learned within days of our wedding in 1969 that when Chuck was discontent in his career, he was discontent with me. It seemed I was the one to blame for anything negative in his life, as I was the one whom was the closest to him.

As I have previously shared, there were indeed good days, but more often than not, days of much disappointment and sorrow that our marriage and family were not what God intended. My desire for intimacy from Charles was ever present, as such times were infrequent. When intimacy was a component of Charles’ calendar, it was brief and rote. He displayed no true feelings of love or concern for me. Unlike many empty nest couples, our marriage was not one that was experiencing the freedom of time and money to enjoy interests of life together.

Charles continued to work unnecessarily long hours at the office, while I fulfilled my tasks as an employee, wife, chef, maid and gardener. I now wore an additional hat; that of a designer and planner for our new home. Charles requested that I select paint colors, hardware, kitchen and bathroom fixtures, appliances, etc., all the required essentials for building a house.

Even though a new house would be nice, I knew it would never offer what I so greatly desired; a man that loved me. The previous pleas from me toward Charles of healing our relationship fell upon deaf and uncaring ears. He was content with the dysfunction, while I remained steadfastly heart broken. I cared nothing about a new house, if only I could have had a husband whom cherished me as greatly as I did him.

Andrea and Timothy continued with their careers and were as content as any young married couple. Soon Christopher and Kristina would join the ranks of newlyweds as he began law school. The December wedding was lovely and each of us welcomed a new year; 1997 with anticipation of delightful jubilation.

1997 also held wonders and lamentations. I had a large and joyous 50th birthday celebration for Charles in February, only days after we learned that we would be grandparents later that year. Chris and Kristina were rather shocked to learn of their unexpected blessing, but also elated. They realized this would complicate Chris’ time and finances to complete his juris doctorate, but both Chris and Kristina realized children are one of God’s greatest gifts.

By late spring we learned we would have another grandchild in early 1998. Andrea and Timothy were also expecting their first child. I was thrilled with the news of two additions to our Woods’ family, but also hopeful this too would bring a greater desire to Charles’ heart to not only love me, but to embrace our family.

Sadness gripped our hearts in July when Kristina suffered from pre-eclampsia and gave birth to a tiny, precious, stillborn baby boy. It was a sorrowful day for all of us. This precious child would have been both Charles’ and Christopher’s namesake, but he was now with the Lord.

By late summer of 1997 we moved into our new house. A new house can never negate the “old” battles. Just weeks upon moving into our home the physical abuse from Charles intensified. He returned to shoving me into closets, pinning me against walls and slamming me onto the floor. He had now added another element; dragging me from bed while sound asleep.

I would cry out to him in deep sorrow and agony. Why Charles why are you doing this to me? His answers never changed. “I want you to listen to me.” I would always repeat the same reply, I can hear just fine. My ears work well, but why push me and shove me to make me listen to you?” I would also continue to call him, Clyde Hamer, which enraged him more greatly. Charles understand exactly what I meant as my father had been extremely, physically abusive. Charles didn’t wish to be compared to my dad, but his abuse was a constant reminder of the many years I had suffered at the hands of my father.

The holidays were difficult as Chris and Kristina chose not to spend any of their holiday with us. Andrea and Timothy’s holiday commitments were now with Timothy’s large family, as well as with just Charles and me. Given the fact our family was small and distant toward one another, Andrea’s preference was to spend most of her holiday with the Maltz’s.

My Hamer family didn’t celebrate Christmas as a family. Charles’ Mom resided in a long-term care facility after the loss of his father the previous year. Thus, the holidays were a reminder to me of the continued demise of our family.

Please continue to follow my on my autobiographical journey, which I began blogging in April 2016. It’s my life filled with the emotional and physical pain of abuse and betrayal, but also of God’s healing.

A Medical Detour

During the pending divorce of 1994, Chuck appeared sincere with his tears, but how quickly his tears evaporated, and the neglect and abuse returned. Shoving me against walls or into closets, while I would cry out and plead for him to cease fell on deaf ears.

When I proclaimed, he was abusive, he was unyielding that it was necessary to “push me around” so I would listen to him. Hysterically, I always proclaimed that my ears worked fine and if he would just converse with me, I would be able to “hear” more clearly.

Now I reflect on those incredibly abusive and demoralizing events and wonder how I could have endured such abuse for as long as I did. I so earnestly believed God would heal Chuck’s heart toward me. He would always proclaim he didn’t want a divorce and he would fight to keep me from divorcing him. I was naïve enough to believe it was because he truly loved me. However, 26 years later I would realize it was solely for financial reasons; not because of love.

The more he pushed me from his life and refused all forms of physical and emotional interaction with me, I should have realized he had no love for me. The cliché of “love is blind” was evidenced throughout my marriage to Chuck. I loved him so deeply but from the on-set our marriage was what he deemed countless times, a necessity. He touted he believed he had to marry to be successful in his career.

I was the “free maid” for maintaining his home, running his errands and completing assigned tasks. Even though he spent the duration of our marriage complaining my salary and career were inferior to his, he commanded how I would spend my income. I pleaded to spend time with me, whether for an event or merely time alone with the two of us. Sometimes he obliged, but the majority of the time, he chose to remain at home alone or to retreat to his office (or now I have to believe whomever was in his life at the time).

There were occasional happy times in our marriage of travel, hosting parties and events in our home, visiting with our children or other family, etc. There were even times we would watch a television movie and each cry when we realized our love and marriage was similar to the characters portrayed before us.

It was often I would go to him, hugging him and reminding him of our lives and the blessings we possessed. Also, I frequently reminded Chuck that we had much to lose if we could not make our marriage work. He would just stare at me and walk away. I never imagined his heart and mine were not on the same page. From his words to me years later, he was planning and scheming even then as to how and when he could rid himself of me. No matter what reprieve we had from the arguing and bitterness, reality quickly returned with the discord in our lives.

Christian counseling remained a routine component of my life. It began within the first two weeks of our marriage and over 25 years later, I continued in counseling in an attempt to become a better wife to Chuck and a better mother to our children. I also understood that if I chose to remain married to Chuck, I had to learn to cope with and endure his harsh, abusive and controlling ways.

Counseling was also tool to allow me to help myself. It was not a mode of helping others. I had overcome the trauma of the maltreatment at the hands of my excessively abusive parents, so I contemplated almost daily if I could learn to sustain Chuck’s punitive treatment and attitude toward me. My love for Chuck was so great that my faith was God would heal Chuck’s heart toward me. Little did I know in 1994 that 19 years later, not following through with the divorce would be a sorrow I endured every day of my life.

The summer of 1994 would be another milestone for our family. When we picked Christian up at the airport, he was gaunt and extremely pale. He noted he didn’t feel well, but as a dietitian I knew immediately this was far more than the stress of being a college student. I knew he was not metabolizing his dietary intake. His inability to consume even a few bites of his meal without nausea and vomiting was alarming.

Within days of his arrival we made an appointment to see a physician at the Cleveland Clinic in Ft. Lauderdale. Christian was diagnosed with a severe case of Crohn’s; a disease of the gastrointestinal tract. The doctor concluded Christian required immediate surgery. The remainder of his summer vacation was spent recuperating from the surgery with enough strength to return to his classes in the fall.

Unable to drive back to OK, Chuck drove Christian’s car to the University of Oklahoma with a very weakened Christian in tow. The fall semester was a challenge for Christian, but he endured and by December 1994, he felt like the son we knew prior to his diagnosis and illness. He would be a Crohn’s patient for the remainder of his life, as it would alter his lifestyle, but would not be terminal if well maintained.

Events such as this reminded me that I didn’t want to be single. I wanted to be with Chuck and our children when such life experiences occurred. I merely continued to hope and pray that Chuck would come to love and desire me as his wife and partner.

Please continue my autobiographical journey which I began blogging in April 2016.

Merely An Accident

After settling into our home, Chuck began to firmly request that I seek a job. Each time we were relocated, it was for his career and I had to forfeit my career positions to join him. Whereas, I was most happy to support my husband with his goals and ambitions, I was disheartened that he continuously mandated I work outside the home. His income was more than adequate to meet all our financial obligations with some remaining discretionary income.

In the 1980’s when he dictated that I obtain full time employment, he required I pay all household expenses, inclusive of any medical bills, gift purchases, travel expenses, etc. I would learn 19 years later he was hiding money from me for covert purchases.

As the holidays approached, I was contented I had been unable to locate a job, as our daughter, son-in-law and son were all visiting our new residence. There were many things for them to see and do, so my full-time job had become tour and event planner for the children. Also, with hosting a large party for Chuck’s staff and colleagues, I had to become chef and “hostess with the mostess.”

Even though we were empty nesters, I didn’t have the opportunity to fulfill all my homemaker chores and tasks without the continued persistent stress of trying to “do it all” when employed. After the holidays and our children’s return back to OK, with Chuck’s continued nagging for me to work, I located a full-time job as a corporate dietitian, requiring extensive travel which I loathed. I endured the job in a constant state of anxiety. The corporation’s lack of morals and ethics didn’t allow me to fulfill my duties without conflicts.

Whereas, the verbal conflicts between Chuck and I were almost daily, my love for him was steadfast. As his wife, I cherished time with him in our home. Thus, the travel was an additional source of anxiety. The company and I parted ways after approximately 1.5 years. I was relived, but Chuck returned to his badgering toward me to locate another job.

I taught university classes while in OK which I had so greatly enjoyed. As a result of this, I began seeking positions as an adjunct university teacher. This opportunity was rapidly offered due to the increased need for dietitians to teach nutrition. I taught part-time adjunct at one of the local two-year colleges and full-time adjunct at FL International University in Miami. I found my niche and loved teaching. The pay was not enough to please Chuck, but I had a fulfilling job.

Because my teaching didn’t require traveling out of town, it quickly became apparent of Chuck’s deliberate absence from being home. Arriving home between 1- 2 a.m. daily had become the norm. Due to my on-going counseling sessions the psychologist determined such behavior was the symptom of an adulterous affair.

The lack of emotional and physical love from Chuck as well as the frequent and intense physical abuse was validation to me the counselor’s observation was correct. With each recurring event of Chuck’s early morning arrivals and my request for an explanation, his anger and abuse toward me increased, while his denial of unfaithfulness was unwavering.

I realized I could not continue to live as this, so after a 25 year marriage, I obtained a bull dog attorney and filed for divorce. This was not an attention ploy, but the reality that I could not continue to live in this kind of environment. Countless incidents in which I was totally blameless became sources of great contempt for Chuck.

A prime example was when I had a capped disposable razor on the shower rack. During one of Chuck’s showers, the cap fell from the razor and his arm brushed against it. He leapt from the shower screaming and yelling that I had harmed him with my razor. I was not even in the bathroom nor the shower at the time of the incident. The capped razor was secured in the shower caddy. This was an accident which occurred by Chuck, not an intended murder attempt from me.

Such episodes had become the norm. As greatly as I loved Chuck, I could not continue endure in this manner. Then with the belief he was having an affair, I believed divorce was sincerely my only option. When Chuck was served the divorce petition, an entirely different man surfaced. Suddenly he touted of his love and was sincerely remorseful for his actions toward me.

Through my tears and sobs, I informed Chuck for our entire marriage, I had begged and pleaded with him to help me save the marriage. I explained I could not do so alone but reminded him of my love and desire to remain his wife. Nonetheless it was imperative this would be a “team effort”. I symbolically told him I had been drowning for over 25 years, yet each time I cried out to him for the life saver, he would throw me only an empty string.

Please continue with me on my autobiographical journey of abuse, estrangement and marital betrayal in the blog I began on April 2016.

I Can’t Believe You Are Leaving Me

The next few weeks expeditiously passed as I packed and prepared for the move to FL. The recollection of our precious Christian standing gloomily in the foyer is an image which haunts me to this day. He was beginning his freshman year at the University of OK. Even though an independent young adult, I realized at that moment, he was still our “baby boy”. Somberly Christian said, “I can’t believe you are leaving me here.” Neither could I . There were not enough words of assurance of my love for him and my great despair over the move to validate to Christian I had no desire to move. Edmond had been our home for the past 18 years.

I could have filed for divorce, so that I could remain in OK. However, I loved Chuck dearly and vowed to remain at his side, in good and bad times. This was truly one of the bad times. Chuck could have easily remained in OK and found a job when Grace Petroleum closed its’ doors. However, as Chuck had done for our entire marriage, he continued to seek a new pasture in hopes of reaching his dream to become a millionaire. How I remorsefully look back on that day with regret that I didn’t remain in OK with my two children.

Even though Marie was now married, she too was saddened we were leaving her and our new son-in-law behind. Certainly, abandoning our son for the pleasure of Chuck’s desires caused me monumental desolation. We can’t relive the lost years; especially now knowing what the future held for me.

Less than a month after Marie’s wedding, the moving van pulled away from the drive of the house which had been our home since our children were ages seven and nine. They had grown up in that house. Memories of sleep overs with friends, countless birthday parties and hosting events for their friends from grade school through college were now only mental images This was the house where I had dried Marie’s tears and prayed with her for a new love.

This was the house where I arrived home from work, hosted Camp Fire girls as their leader or assisted the boy scouts as their assistant leader. This is where the days required dinner preparation, assisting our children with their homework and bedtime preparation, after a long day at work. Other nights required carpooling for after school sports and music.

This was the house where late-night hours of intense studying after the other tasks were completed would enable me to receive my bachelor’s and master’s degrees. The walls of this house had witnessed the greatest years of my life as our children’s mother. These walls also held the innermost secrets of my heart as I sobbed and spent countless nights crying myself to sleep when Chuck refused to be a husband to me; to love me, to hold me, to embrace me.

Marie and Christian have never shared their sentiments of leaving that house, but for me, it was not about the house I never liked, but the reminiscences of the children’s lives and the family times we had while residing there. This house; our home also held the memories of the countless international guests we hosted. Sometimes they would be our guests for only a week or two, while other times we hosted guests up to six weeks at a time.

I desired our house to be a home to any/all whom entered our doors; to know they were welcomed and cherished while being “one of our family.” For Chuck leaving Edmond, it was not a concern; it was merely a house, not his home. He was eager to move away to what he believed would be a golden opportunity to move up the corporate ladder. For me it was one of the saddest days of my life; not as sorrowful as what would await me years later, but a very melancholy time.

Even though we drove to FL to enable a vacation enroute, the atmosphere between Chuck and me was not a pleasant one. My thoughts remained with our children whom were mournful we were leaving them behind. Chuck’s attitude was not one of understanding this move was solely for him. I also realized the hotel which would be our “home” for the next six weeks was not the best transition into a new state, a new city and a new house.

As the movers brought our possessions into the FL house, it all seemed surreal. We were residing in a community where the majority of the residents were from NYC and this displaced, “buckeye okie” realized immediately she was not embraced by the local residents. Chuck was “one of the gang” as he was now in the corporate office; the corporation whom had owned the oil company where he had been employed as the tax director for the past 22 years. Yes, he was in his element, while the next few years would bring additional heartache for Jalene.

Please follow me on my continued blog which began in April 2016 of domestic violence, estrangement and marital betrayal.

Marie’s Special Day

As I stood barefoot, the carpet felt like clouds. It seemed as though I were in a trance, in spite of the reality I now experienced. My daughter, Marie and I had planned this moment for years.

Now, as I beheld the magnificence of her before me, I reminisced over the first excited conversation about this day. I beheld her beauty as she stood in front of me. I knew she had indeed made the right decision. The dress was positively the finest choice. For a fleeting second, I saw my blonde, green-eyed infant in the hospital; the curly haired toddler of 2; the giggly grade schooler of eight, the prissy high schooler of sixteen; and now my beautiful daughter of twenty-one. Where had the years gone?

I had prayed so diligently for a baby, wondering if the Lord would ever bless Chuck and me with a family. Our years of trying to become pregnant and then receiving the gifts from God of Marie and her brother, Christian had passed so quickly. I wiped the mascara-drenched tears from my eyes before they left indelible drops on her gown.

Less than a year previously, Marie had run into the house, crying hysterically that the “love of her life” had just bid her farewell. I held her tightly, wiping the tears from her rosy cheeks, telling her then she would find someone to love.

I had lost my first love and felt I too was doomed to remain single for all eternity. I kissed Marie’s forehead and told her that anyone as beautiful as she would not spend the remainder of her life without a man of her dreams.

Less than two months later she again ran into our kitchen, as I prepared dinner, but this time jubilantly. Marie shared she had indeed found a new love; he was truly “the one.” I reminded her of my promise. Without a doubt, her prayers and mine had been answered. She believed she had found her unblemished mate. Wedding plans were made briskly.

As I now stood in our church parlor, nothing would transform the pride I felt for Marie at this moment. Years earlier when Chuck and I had planned our wedding, it was small and unpretentious. As poor college students who could barely afford our tuition, the financial burden of our wedding mandated it was simple. Marie didn’t wear a homemade gown, as I had done. The simple cake and punch reception of our wedding 24 years prior, was now replaced with an extravagant reception of an elaborate array of food.

In less than an hour Marie would be Mrs. Thomas Maltz, not only our daughter, but now a wife. I had waited twenty-one years for this day. Marie’s final preparations were made to take that long walk down the aisle. One last detail must be administered.

Not only had our wedding been modest, but likewise my first wedding ring. It was a diminutive ring, but I knew one “from Chuck’s heart.” After graduation from college, when Chuck was established in his career, I received a new wedding ring as an anniversary gift.

I saved the diamonds from my original wedding ring, mounting them in a necklace. I knew that someday, I would give it to our daughter on her wedding day, a token of the love her daddy and I had shared on ours.

I opened the green velvet box that had been in my dresser drawer for over 15 years. I placed the glistening diamonds around her neck and hugged her as I kissed her angelic cheeks. She stood alone in the doorway awaiting her daddy to give her away and asked, “Do I look okay, Mommy?” I could not restrain the tears as I replied, “You are beautiful.”

As she walked down the aisle, she could not restrain the tears. Mine fell in the bride’s parlor; now hers fell as she would no longer be our “little girl” at home, but she would become a wife within a matter of minutes.

Following the wedding, she and Thomas were whisked away in the antique Rolls Royce which had been the center of more than one lively discussion over the past few months. Nonetheless, Jalene and Chuck knew this would be the wedding which Marie and Tom would reflect upon for years to come.

Unfortunately, their wedding day in July 1993 was one of the hottest on record for that particular day. As the photographer attempted to take outdoor wedding photographs, Marie’s make-up began running down her face onto her dress and her bouquet was wilting as she and Tom stood for the pictures. Thus, the outdoor photos were not a component of the wedding memories, but the day would indeed linger in the hearts of Marie, Tom, Jalene and Chuck for all the years to come.

Marie has remained Mrs. Thomas Maltz for over 25 years and is now the mother of three sons and a daughter. Before she realizes it, she too will be standing before her children, beholding the beauty of the day and recalling her own wedding. As I did with her and she will do with her children, we will ask “how have these years passed so quickly?”

Please continue to follow Jalene’s journey which began in this blog on April 2016.

Dysfunction ?

As each spring approached, Jalene pleaded with Chuck for a summer vacation for the family. His reply never changed, “no, we don’t have the money”. However, there was always money for expensive private lessons for the children’s sports and music lessons, summer camps and retreats for the children. Why then, couldn’t they make some memories as a family with a vacation?

Jalene’s counselors enabled her to understand some of Chuck’s rationale. When they traveled, they would be in more confined spaces, with the family unit participating in events together. For the same justification Chuck refused to go on a honeymoon or even stay overnight in a nice hotel following their wedding, so too was his rationale for avoiding a family vacation. Counselors and Jalene knew it was never a matter of the lack of money. Chuck always had the financial means to purchase luxury cars, expensive clothes and any personal desire of his.

Being on a family vacation meant he would have to spend time with his wife and children daily. He would be expected to be viewed as a man whom loved this family. His love was not one of display. His love for his children was always what he would give them monetarily. He had no love for Jalene. Thus, he resented the expectations of a husband and father during a family vacation.

There had been two previous vacations which Chuck reminded Jalene of when she pleaded for such. The first was when the children were young and they flew to Disney Land in CA.  The second was with his parents when they visited Ben’s relatives. Chuck believed nothing was expected of him then, since his focus was on satisfying the desires of Ben and Lorraine.  Even though it was a mode of “getting away”, it was not truly a family vacation.

Jalene frequently reflected upon the conversation she and Chuck had prior to marriage; that of a family and children. Jalene longed to be a mother. However, when she noticed Chuck’s indifference toward all of them, his words echoed in her ears, heart and mind. He didn’t care if he had children, but if she wanted them, that was okay. After they had two, he mandated there would be no more. According to Chuck two children was enough for any family.

The dysfunction of the family became overtly apparent one summer day in 1984. Marie was 12, Christian 10. Jalene doesn’t recall the exact conversation which prompted Marie’s actions against her, but now 32 years later Jalene still recalls the outcome. While standing in the kitchen conversing with Marie, before she realized it, Marie had doubled up her fist and punched Jalene in the chest, knocking her backward. Jalene caught herself by grabbing the kitchen island and counter. Otherwise, she would have landed on the floor.

Not only was Jalene flabbergasted, but she was dumfounded as to the rationale of her daughter to assault her in such a manner.  Jalene’s loud pleas for Chuck to come into the house were repeated countless times over the roar of the lawnmower. His frustration was apparent that he must leave his chore to oblige Jalene. She showed him the large red whelp on her chest. There was no discipline of Marie. His words were, “I don’t know why the two of you can’t get along.” He returned to the lawnmowing, never again speaking of the incident. For Jalene, it was far more than a punch in the chest. It was flagrant disrespect from her daughter. Jalene had tried earnestly to have a close relationship with Marie, but she remained unsuccessful. This action further validated this effort.

Jalene realized Marie had the need to talk to someone about her feelings and perhaps the influence on her of the family dynamics. Because Marie refused all interaction with Jalene, she sought a psychologist specializing in adolescent behavior. The counselor was highly recommended, but after 6 -1 hour sessions, the counselor noted, she was unable to assist Marie and therefore the family.   Due to Marie’s rigid body and crossed arms duing each session, she made it very clear, she had nothing to say. The counselor noted it was a vain effort for all involved.

During the next weeks and months , Jalene continued to provide additional time and effort with Marie. She wanted Marie to know how deeply she loved her, but also of the great concern she had for her mental wellbeing. Jalene realized you can’t make anyone accept a gift; no matter what it may be. Jalene’s gift was to provide Marie with the opportunity to converse with a non-judgmental, neutral party.  Jalene had reiterated to Marie countless times during the counseling, “it’s okay to tell the counselor you are angry at me or even if you don’t like me, but please, please let her know what is bothering you.” It was not to be. Marie remained silent, while her anger intensified.

Jalene pleaded with Chuck for weekly family meetings, so that some of the concerns could be voiced and amended where necessary. Chuck believed this to be ridiculous as he shouted to her countless times.  The family dysfunction remained status quo.

Please follow Jalene as she continues her journey. This blog began in April 2016 from her childhood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Can’t Deny It Because You Say So!

As the weeks and months passed, the Ward family’s daily routine was like that of many other suburban families; two working parents, school and extracurricular activities. Sundays were occupied with church, so that they appeared to be a Godly, happy family. There were some exceptions with the Wood family. Most couples were not comprised of one straight and one gay spouse. As the years passed and Chuck’s resentment toward Jalene became more hostile, her struggles increased to appear “normal” as Chuck demanded.

Jalene had begun counseling several years prior, but without Chuck accompanying her, the counselor reminded her, it was not marriage counseling. Jalene’s abilities to cope with the dysfunction in their home was limited to what she could personally do to accept her life and to better the situation for her family. However, she realized she could not control or alter anyone. She could only control her emotions and actions.  Aside from Chuck’s refusal for physical and/or emotional intimacy, Jalene detested his demand that she never allow anyone to know their relationship was dysfunctional.

Chuck understood Jalene sought weekly counseling for their marital concerns, but he frequently reminded her she was not to be discussing her concerns with anyone outside their home; not even her family. Consequently, on Sundays when the typical arguing and often times physical conflicts occurred prior to departing for church or even in the car while commuting to church, it was routine for Chuck to grab Jalene’s arm and command that she walk into the church with a smile on her face and just like Tammy Wynette, “stand by her man.”

After one of the exceedingly physical and emotional Sunday morning “war zones” Jalene discussed this with her counselor. He reminded her, she was not obligated to put on a faux face of happiness if this was not her desire. Image and prestige were always paramount to Chuck. Jalene’s appearance of discontent or melancholy would not validate his appearance that his life was perfect.

Jalene also grew exhausted from Chuck’s demands that she not be upset by their dysfunctional and abusive marriage which included his homosexuality. After meeting with pastors, physicians and countless psychologists during their marriage, she realized Chuck’s homosexuality was not something she contrived. No matter how much he denied it, Jalene’s physicians were graphic in explaining the rationale on Chuck’s homosexuality versus merely a reduced sexual desire.

Chuck’s sexual dysfunction began on their wedding night and  over 13 years later, his hatred of emotional and sexual intimacy had become almost unbearable for Jalene. With each passing year, Chuck’s physical abuse also increased. However, he made certain his abuse would not be observed by others. Years later when Jalene was a counseling client at a battered women’s shelter she realized that his actions were all traits of an abuser. The assaults were numerous and included dragging her from bed during a sound sleep, pushing her against a wall and pinning her so she was unable to move and shoving her to the floor; constraining her.

Repeatedly, when Jalene noted Chuck was abusive, his anger was intense when he cited he had never beaten her. Chuck ignored Jalene’s explanation of physical abuse and reminded her he had never done anything to abuse her. Additionally, when counselors noted she must address his homosexuality with him, his denial was always accompanied with Chuck’s excessive rage and throwing items at Jalene (whatever was close by and available). He never hit her with the items thrown, but his anger validated the truth.

Counselors reiterated that had Chuck not been gay, his emotional explosions would not have been uncontrollable. Whether or not Chuck deemed Jalene’s accusations of his homosexuality subjective, the objective fact of minimal and infrequent physical intimacy, substantiated her concerns. Jalene had filed for divorce previously, but Chuck’s threats seemed insurmountable for her. She gave in and remained in the marriage; more for the sake of her children than for the constant emotional anguish she endured. Her desire to maintain a family unit was of utmost importance to Jalene. She learned to live with infrequent emotional or physical intimacy.

Jalene understood life was comprised of more than merely a relationship between her and Chuck. Though infrequent, there were times of joy within the Wood family, especially when Jalene put her thoughts and efforts into activities with the children. She loved participating in events as a Camp Fire Leader and homeroom mother. Jalene also gave family holidays and celebrations 100% of her time and devotion. It was imperative to Jalene such times would be special and memorable for all the family and friends whom celebrated with them.

Please follow Jalene as she continues her journey with their family. This blog began in April 2016 with her childhood journey.

Why Can’t We Take A Vacation?

During the summer of 1981, Jalene’s petitions to Chuck were numerous. “Why can’t we take a family vacation while awaiting the move into our home, especially with the lengthy home updates which await us?” Chuck was firm in his reply. “No, we don’t have the money for a vacation.” Jalene’s pleas and tears became sobs of grief. “Chuck, you mandated that we sell the home the children and I loved and move into a roach and flea infested apartment. Additionally, you are spending thousands to update the new house to accommodate our family’s needs. Yet you say we can’t afford a small vacation?”

“No”, As Chuck had done for their 12 years of marriage, his word was the law. The summer was filled with frequent and lengthy trips to and from Edmond for the children to participate in community events. However, there was no reprieve from the small, dingy apartment.  Shortly before school began in late summer 1981, the Wood family moved into Chuck’s cherished home.

Jalene’s sadness remained regarding the move, as she realized not only was this not a home she desired, but the months of having the home in a state of disrepair would be a tremendous inconvenience for the family of four. For weeks the family kitchen was a microwave in the laundry room and a refrigerator in the garage. The dishes were washed in the small laundry sink. The house was filled with dust and debris as the contractors worked for months to restructure Chuck’s house to a home for the family.

Jalene understood that a house does not make a home. A family makes a home. Thus, she looked toward the day the renovation would be complete and the family could settle into their new house and neighborhood.  Each of the children adapted rapidly.  Christian met several neighborhood pals whom would become lifelong friends well into their adulthood.

As the holidays approached, Jalene eagerly planned the annual holiday parties. There was always a Wood family event with Chuck’s parents, brother and family, his aunts, uncles and cousins. There were parties for church friends and others for the children’s school mates. The month of December was spent with hours of holiday decorating, shopping, cooking, baking, cleaning the house and then enjoying the guests.

1982 would bring a new aspect to their family. Jalene had been completing her bachelor’s degree while simultaneously beginning her master’s degree. Because Chuck had  directed Jalene to drop out of college to work full-time to enable completion of his degree, her education had been a challenge. Returning to college as an older student as a wife and mother of two young children, she was required to study late at night and early in the morning before the children awakened.  Jalene understood because Chuck mandated she earn a paycheck, her degree would provide her greater career opportunities.

Jalene’s greatest desire was to remain at home and fulfill her role as wife and mother. Nonetheless, Chuck’s requisite for Jalene to obtain a full-time career fulfilled his greed for monetary assets. As Jalene applied for numerous career positions, she felt defeated and betrayed. Delaying the inevitable was not a possibility. Chuck searched the paper for potential jobs for Jalene. She either found a job she desired, or she realized Chuck would choose one for her.

Jalene rapidly understood that with her degree in Nutrition, becoming a Registered Dietitian (R.D) was necessary. The local university where she had obtained her bachelor’s and master’s degree had not offered the American Dietetic Association (A.D.A) requirements for registration. Jalene was required to complete an additional 63 hours of post-graduate courses to meet the requisites for the A.D.A.

Without outside help on cleaning the home, Jalene’s responsibilities of the household chores and errands, as well as participating in church and community events, the children’s school events, working full-time and attending evening college classes exacerbated Jalene’s stress and migraine headaches. She yearned for the love and understanding from her husband. Yet Chuck had no empathy for Jalene. His goals of earning more success and prestige in his career and community were possible only if Jalene contributed monetarily.

Jalene’s job required that she frequently worked nights and Saturdays. This was especially difficult for her when she had to miss the children’s school and sports events. On one particular Saturday, it had been a long and difficult day. As she opened the door to enter the house,  excitedly Christian ran up to her shouting, “Mom, guess what Daddy did today?”

Jalene was too exhausted to attempt a guess. She believed perhaps Chuck had taken the children for an outing, which she frequently pleaded with him to do. Chuck’s routine was to spend the day watching television while the children entertained themselves, unless they had a sports event.  Jalene realized today was different. Christian, aged 8 was beside himself with elation. She knew it was something very special.

When Christian shrieked, “Daddy bought a Mercedes Benz”, she immediately felt faint. “What-why?” Jalene repeated the words to Christian several times. She was not believing what she was hearing. “Yes, Daddy, bought a Mercedes. Isn’t that awesome?” Jalene’s head was spinning and she felt her skin become flushed. “No”, she wanted to scream, but the words choked in her throat. This was not awesome. This was disgusting. Chuck mandated that she work, so he could purchase a Mercedes Benz. His arrogance had become far greater than his love for his wife or his children.

This was the beginning of Chuck’s obsession for prestige and the appearance of success. Jalene was merely a game piece for Chuck’s monetary desires. Please follow Jalene as she continues her journey with Chuck’s love for his assets and glory. This blog began in April 2016 with her childhood journey.