After settling into our home, Chuck began to firmly request that I seek a job. Each time we were relocated, it was for his career and I had to forfeit my career positions to join him. Whereas, I was most happy to support my husband with his goals and ambitions, I was disheartened that he continuously mandated I work outside the home. His income was more than adequate to meet all our financial obligations with some remaining discretionary income.
In the 1980’s when he dictated that I obtain full time employment, he required I pay all household expenses, inclusive of any medical bills, gift purchases, travel expenses, etc. I would learn 19 years later he was hiding money from me for covert purchases.
As the holidays approached, I was contented I had been unable to locate a job, as our daughter, son-in-law and son were all visiting our new residence. There were many things for them to see and do, so my full-time job had become tour and event planner for the children. Also, with hosting a large party for Chuck’s staff and colleagues, I had to become chef and “hostess with the mostess.”
Even though we were empty nesters, I didn’t have the opportunity to fulfill all my homemaker chores and tasks without the continued persistent stress of trying to “do it all” when employed. After the holidays and our children’s return back to OK, with Chuck’s continued nagging for me to work, I located a full-time job as a corporate dietitian, requiring extensive travel which I loathed. I endured the job in a constant state of anxiety. The corporation’s lack of morals and ethics didn’t allow me to fulfill my duties without conflicts.
Whereas, the verbal conflicts between Chuck and I were almost daily, my love for him was steadfast. As his wife, I cherished time with him in our home. Thus, the travel was an additional source of anxiety. The company and I parted ways after approximately 1.5 years. I was relived, but Chuck returned to his badgering toward me to locate another job.
I taught university classes while in OK which I had so greatly enjoyed. As a result of this, I began seeking positions as an adjunct university teacher. This opportunity was rapidly offered due to the increased need for dietitians to teach nutrition. I taught part-time adjunct at one of the local two-year colleges and full-time adjunct at FL International University in Miami. I found my niche and loved teaching. The pay was not enough to please Chuck, but I had a fulfilling job.
Because my teaching didn’t require traveling out of town, it quickly became apparent of Chuck’s deliberate absence from being home. Arriving home between 1- 2 a.m. daily had become the norm. Due to my on-going counseling sessions the psychologist determined such behavior was the symptom of an adulterous affair.
The lack of emotional and physical love from Chuck as well as the frequent and intense physical abuse was validation to me the counselor’s observation was correct. With each recurring event of Chuck’s early morning arrivals and my request for an explanation, his anger and abuse toward me increased, while his denial of unfaithfulness was unwavering.
I realized I could not continue to live as this, so after a 25 year marriage, I obtained a bull dog attorney and filed for divorce. This was not an attention ploy, but the reality that I could not continue to live in this kind of environment. Countless incidents in which I was totally blameless became sources of great contempt for Chuck.
A prime example was when I had a capped disposable razor on the shower rack. During one of Chuck’s showers, the cap fell from the razor and his arm brushed against it. He leapt from the shower screaming and yelling that I had harmed him with my razor. I was not even in the bathroom nor the shower at the time of the incident. The capped razor was secured in the shower caddy. This was an accident which occurred by Chuck, not an intended murder attempt from me.
Such episodes had become the norm. As greatly as I loved Chuck, I could not continue endure in this manner. Then with the belief he was having an affair, I believed divorce was sincerely my only option. When Chuck was served the divorce petition, an entirely different man surfaced. Suddenly he touted of his love and was sincerely remorseful for his actions toward me.
Through my tears and sobs, I informed Chuck for our entire marriage, I had begged and pleaded with him to help me save the marriage. I explained I could not do so alone but reminded him of my love and desire to remain his wife. Nonetheless it was imperative this would be a “team effort”. I symbolically told him I had been drowning for over 25 years, yet each time I cried out to him for the life saver, he would throw me only an empty string.
Please continue with me on my autobiographical journey of abuse, estrangement and marital betrayal in the blog I began on April 2016.